A drone toy for children ages 3 and up has recently sparked a forum for satire on its Amazon page. The Tailwinds toy is titled “Scale Die Cast United States Military Aircraft – US Air Force Medium Altitude, Long Endurance, Unmanned Aerial Vehicle (UAV) RQ-1 Predator.”
As if kids weren’t already militarized enough, this toy normalizes our new, perhaps most abhorrent form of war for children — some of whom aren’t even old enough to read yet.
Fortunately, Amazon users began mocking the toy in its review section, disparaging drone use while managing to pull off such hilarious sarcasm. As one reviewer complimented these satirical critiques: “The reviews that this abomination has generated have restored some of my hope and faith in humanity.”
Here are the 10 most biting reviews for the drone toy:
1. “My son is very interested in joining the Imperial forces when he grows up. … He just loves flying his drone around our house, dropping Hellfire missiles on Scruffy, our dog. He kept saying that Scruffy was a terror suspect and needed to be taken out. I asked him if Scruffy should get a trial first, and he quoted Lindsay Graham, Imperial Senator: ‘Shut up Scruffy, you don’t get a trial!’ I was so proud…”
2. “This toy is absolutely terrific. Our son spends countless hours hovering around our house and firing imaginary missiles at imaginary weddings, funerals, goat herds, you name it. And then, being the clever boy that he is, he waits a few minutes for the rescuers to show up and then kills them too. He took his sisters dolls and cut their arms, legs, and heads off and sprinkles them around the strike zone for realism…”
3. “Whether your violating constitutional rights at home, or bombing children abroad, this toy’s perfect for all clandestine missions! Double tap strike to triple your pleasure and casualties!”
4. “While we had fun with our Predator drone we have intel that it may have been lost somewhere over Iran. Make sure you buy 2, 3 or 13,000 so you always have extras!”
5. “… First, sprinkle information over your more trusting, gullible friends, declaring this particular person to be a threat. Next, plant the seed of rebellion in this person’s own home, preferably by bribing someone else on the inside. Once the conditions are just right, send in your Predator drone and kill those who refused you. Wait to see which new despot takes over, and immediately test to see if they’re adequately corrupt. If not, repeat the process. It’s almost too easy to achieve world domination with your new Predator drone. Get yours today, and take out anyone who might threaten your monopoly over the global use of force!”
6. “…At first, when little Tommy unwrapped this gift from Santa, he said, ‘this blows,’ but when I informed him that this would give him an opportunity to blow up people ‘Who Hate Us For Our Freedoms,’ well, little Tommy just lit up.”
7. “… Little Jimmy just loves this toy as we blow the crap out of all the bad people who dress differently than us and pray to the wrong god. As we all know killing children with guns in America is bad, but killing children in other countries with armed United States drones, is great….”
8. “I really wanted to show my toddler that it’s okay to murder people and still come out a “hero” as long as you’re in an air conditioned trailer remotely operating a Predator Drone 10,000 miles away in Pakistan.”
I mean, if the government sanctions murder, it must be ok, right?
9. “The mindset that this instills in my son will one day, I hope, allow him to become a productive member of the ruling class.”
10. “Educationally, this toy can’t be beat – inculcating a predilection for indiscriminate, imperialist violence against non-combatants from oppressed and marginalized communities is precisely in accordance with truly ‘American values!’